Never anything as intense as this, especially the sexual/physical aspect

Never anything as intense as this, especially the sexual/physical aspect

Still, I love + like my husband and am happy in my marriage and would not want to do anything to risk it, especially since we have a small child

Those were easy to deal with and I shrugged them off. I cannot remember attraction like this even from teenage years. I feel like I’m in new territory, helpless, and can’t deal with this at all.

I guess I’m lucky in the sense that nothing untoward, aside from a few maybe overtly flirty messages, has happened between me and this man. I don’t think he’s actually interested into going any further (not sure, though), and our contact is limited (think neighbors who cross paths once a week or so). So I don’t think anything is going to happen. But this feels entirely out of control. I know that if he *were* interested, and would show up on my doorstep, there’s absolutely no way I could say no. I do not even feel a deep emotional connection to the other guy, who is a good 20 years older and doesn’t really have anything in common with me. It’s purely physical (although he has been a good, helpful friend to me in the past year).

I assume that this is probably rooted somehow in that our marriage has become almost sexless since we had a kid 3 years ago. We were always kind of undersexed as a couple, which was OK with both of us (we talked karД±sД± Д°sviГ§re about it openly). But somehow with this crush, my libido has surged and I’m ridiculously turned on all the time. It feels almost like a physical illness. Having sex with my husband, while nice, does not do anything, at all – I still crave the other guy. Same with masturbation.

So first of all: I have been in a very stable + happy relationship for 10+ years and have had a few crushes here and there

To make matters more complicated, I’m emotionally devastated by the fact that my crush did/does not reciprocate, and I have nobody I can talk to about this – obviously even my best friends would tell me, “are you crazy, how can you even think about starting a thing with another guy? You should be happy he didn’t want you.” I know that, but I’m still so upset about it. If I were single and lovesick, I think I could somehow get it out of my system and feel legitimately sorry for myself and kind of bounce back, but I feel like I’m stuck. I brought this on myself, I kind of deserve feeling bad for it. It’s so self-destructive but I see no way out of it.

Sorry this is so long. Have you been through this? What helped? I have spent the better part of the last year thinking/fantasizing about the other guy and I’m so exhausted. Hope me. Looking into therapy options, as well, but I don’t know if I can open up to anyone about the depth of this obsession and how it has taken over my life.

Absolutely yes to therapy. ASAP. And don’t settle for a just-OK therapist, look until you find someone who gets how much this is distressing you.

Your state, it may be said, is what writing poetry is for. Give it a try. posted by xaryts at 4:10 PM on [3 favorites]

I’ve had crushes when my kids were smaller. I think I was bored, perhaps overwhelmed, and became addicted to the fantasy. I didn’t know how to nurture or spice up my marriage, or I wasn’t willing to because I was distracted. I was insecure and I wanted my crush to desire me. I wanted to be desired by men in general. I am so thankful I never acted on a crush. My crushes never knew I was crushing.